"Just date the economics department"

— moms dating advice on how to find a Jewish boyfriend

charlotte: is it gonna rain tomorrow do you know the weather?
mom: do i look like a fucking weather man to you? what is it like my job to know the weather now? i gave birth to you out of my vagina and now i'm supposed to be a fucking crystal ball? you have a computer, look it up!

my dad just referred to the port on his blackberry as ‘the vagina’

mom: jedidiah was a bullfrog
dad: actually he wasn't, but his cousin jeremiah was

me: i'm wearing my new bra isn't it pretty
charlotte: i'm not wearing a bra don't my boobs look perfect?
mom: i got a mammogram today and i don't have cancer
sisters: CONGRATULATIONS MOMMMMMMYYY!!!!!!

mom: charlotte take your perfect boobs and get out of here!
dad: no one ever says that to me
mom: you have such a big penis
me: *runs out of room screaming*
mom: liz get back in here
me: *walks in*
dad: did she ever tell you about length versus width?
me: *runs out of room screaming*
charlotte: i'm having an asthma attack!

passover mama mom: are you pooping every day?
me: yeah
mom: bitch

"I don’t work for you, contrary to popular belief!"

— the mother

"I’m your mother, I paid for your life!"

— my mom bargaining with my brother

"it’s my ali-baba knife!"

— mom after several glasses of wine during the seder